(and that time my cousin threw ashes in her hair)
While spreading ashes can be a significant part of your grief journey, the experience can weigh heavy on your emotions as well. We’ve shared some things we think are important to know in order to make the experience less taxing and more meaningful.
Consider the location and amount
Perhaps you shared a special garden with your loved one or enjoyed traveling to a particular city together. Or, the deceased may have expressed a desire to be scattered someplace specific and asked for you to follow out their wishes.
Determine if all the ashes will be released at one time, if this will be a yearly ritual, or if you’d like to scatter a portion of the ashes and save the remainder for another purpose, such as a memorial sculpture. If there is any uncertainty, it may be best to not scatter all the ashes at once.
Check with airlines
If flying with remains, the first step is to check the policy of the individual airline. Some airlines require you to check the remains while others allow carry-on. If you are taking the urn as a carry-on, TSA recommends that they be transported in a light-weight material, such as wood or plastic. A metal container may produce an opaque image during screening, and TSA agents will not open an urn, even at the request of the passenger.
Funeral homes can provide you with an official Certificate of Cremation to share with TSA, so do ask for this if you anticipate flying as it can help make the process a little less difficult mentally and emotionally.
Know what to expect with the remains
If this is your first time handling the physical remains of a loved one, it helps to be prepared in knowing what they will look and feel like.
When we hear the word “ash” we often think of a fine powdery ash, but be advised that there will be small fragments of bone present. During cremation, the majority of the body is burned off, leaving the bones. The bones are then ground into powder, but some small fragments may still be present.
If you’d like to know more about the cremation process, we’ve shared a post about it here.
Bring a dear friend for support
Seeing the remains for the first time may trigger strong emotions. Consider bringing along someone who has been helpful throughout your grief journey.
Be mindful of the wind
Stand upwind when scattering, as to not get in the path of the ashes. When my dear Uncle Les passed, our family attended a joyful celebration of his life at one of his favorite camping spots along the river. We each took a small portion of the ashes and waded into the river to scatter them. My kid cousin tossed the ashes into the air, and they promptly landed all over her and in her hair! She dipped under the water and rinsed them away, and we all laughed. That experience gave us all some much needed comic relief, and ended up being a fond memory, but if she hadn’t been able to rinse herself off, it might have been a bit more of an awkward experience.
Document the experience
Consider taking pictures or video of the experience for a treasured keepsake or a way to share with family members or close friends who were not in attendance. If scattering ashes at sea, you may choose to release flowers with the ashes, as they provide a visual marker for the ashes as they float out to sea.
Or, perhaps journaling about the experience will help solidify it as a special memory.
Bring wipes or a handkerchief and a bottle of water
Ashes may stick to your hands and it can feel disrespectful wiping them on your clothing. Bring along a bottle of water if you’d like to rinse off any remains.
And finally,
Remember to take a moment to pause. No matter where your rituals take you, the scattering of ashes often becomes a healing process. Be proud of yourself for the experience and where you are in your grief journey.
Read on about the cremation process here.
